So I was checking out one of the world's very best blogs and as usual I felt my own troubles become lighter in the face of true trials. I have narrowed down the real face of some of my dark mood to a couple of things:
1. Lack of control. I have no control at all over the future of Carly. It could be a month, six months, a year, or never before the adoption process itself actually takes a step forward but I have no say in that whatsoever. The process has now dragged on so long that we have to redo our physicals to update our homestudy. Because, dear reader, our homestudy is now two years old+. Despite the fact that we have had Carly for 1 year now, its like we are starting from the beginning so far as the homestudy is concerned.
2. Lack of discipline. Whatever I might want to pin it on, I just have no motivation and discipline to get the things done that need to be done. Well, more like, to get them FULLY done. I complete those necessary jobs of everyday life, but the weight of waiting, of being fully at the whim of others, is so heavy for me. By nature, I am a very private and shy person. I don't like sharing my troubles and typically bottle them up (although the therapeutic nature of this blog seems to help me open my mouth a little bit more - however, sad as it is, its barely a tip of the large iceberg of whininess that I truly am). What was I saying...Oh yes, shy and private. So having to expose my inner workings, my finances, my house, my entire existence to scrutiny just makes my natural self want to go sit in a dark corner, all by myself.
3. Disobedience, perhaps my greatest folly and indulgence. The list of things I am supposed to be doing seems impossibly long, and we're talking about commandment type stuff now. Reading scriptures, praying, FHE, church, enrichment, word of wisdom, temple work....It seems easier to do none of them than all of them. But that just brings me more frustration and unhappiness and guilt. Which leads me to the next thing..
4. Guilt. I feel guilty that I can't provide my children with more love and attention, that I can't provide my husband with all the wifely things he deserves to receive, that I can't fulfill my calling to my own satisfaction, that I can't MAKE the adoption move forward, that Joshua is having to struggle in school (which logically isn't my fault but emotionally feels as if it is), that I gossip and judge and scrutinize and criticize my fellow beings. Its an awful lot to feel guilty about. And I also feel guilty that I can prevent most of it by clearing up issues 2 and 3 with some effort, irony?
The insignificance of some of these things is so glaring when I visit places like the link above. I have extreme gratitude for the joy my children bring me. People have said, trying to comfort me, "well if you lose her, at least you've had Carly for a year." Once the urge to murder them for their ignorance has passed, I acknowledge that this is true. Carly, when she's not throwing her newly incorporated hissy fits, is a true delight and joy. Knowing her sweet, mirthful, curious, busy, cuddly nature has been one of the true joys of my life. I would gladly - well that might be too strong of a word! - endure another round of trials to get to see her dance to the slightest hint of a tune, to get to see her impish smile, to get to watch her almost burst with excitement when Josh gets home from school, to get to see her sleeping soundly on her daddy's knee...All those things are more than I deserve. Similarly, Joshua has been an indescribable blessing in my life. His sweet innocent trust, his compassion for everyone around him, his ever expanding vocabulary, his blind, pure faith in God and Christ, his perfect admiration and adoration of his sister, his complete acceptance of adoption as perfectly natural, his need to go underwear-less and sock-less at every opportunity. Never one day have I worried over my children's health or well being, even Joshua getting his tonsils out was barely a blip. I have been and continue to be blessed despite my disobedience, my impatience, my lack of motivation. Despite everything, I am still receiving more blessings than my two hands can hold.
"Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.
For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.
Remember this, which I tell you before, that you may lay it to heart, and receive that which is to follow." D&C 58:3-5