State of Obvious

I watched from the corner of my eye as my daughter leaned forward toward the screen.  The screen was Black Panther , the newest Marvel superhero movie.  We like superhero movies, generally speaking, and have been looking forward to this particular movie.  It did not disappoint. But, even more important than that, I watched my daughter watching the movie and felt full.  Full of love for her, full of appreciation for a movie that honors her heritage, full of admiration for how well she has accepted herself - even though others have not always.  The beautiful costumes and hair, the STRONG and intelligent females, the ease of the language and unspoken respect for each other - all of these sub-messages in a superhero movie were not lost on me.  And, as she leaned closer and closer to the screen, engrossed, I knew they were not lost on my girl, either. --- For the first time since joining my profession, I legitimately do not feel safe.  Friday we spent...

Having an (almost) teenage daughter can be...quite an experience.  "I hope you have a kid just like you," so the saying goes.  Usually, you only hear this if you're a rough kid.  I was a rough kid - in some ways.  I gave my mom a pretty hard time.  And, if she wished for a kid that was 'just like me' to come along as payback - the parent gods smiled on that wish. Today (after a pretty tragical and frustrating encounter) Carly said: I just needed to get mad at somebody.  I don't know why. Well, if that doesn't sum up teenage angst, I don't know what does. It also kind of applies to adult angst.  Some days I just want to be mad at somebody and walk around stomping my feet.  Today I felt like that.  In between good things, though, so at least there's balance. And balance is tricky this days, too. It feels like the house is a wreck (it mostly isn't, but sort of is). It feels like I'm swimming in work and can't catch up (this o...

This summer, instead of blogging (which, let's be honest, I haven't been doing much when it's not summer.  But, I digress), I have been: - Job hunting (found one!) - Having repeated teacher nightmares (one last night!) - Looking for free resources to use in my classroom (need more!) - Watching too much TV (an accomplishment given that we only have about five channels!) - Building an addiction to Longmire (hooray for Amazon Prime and Netflix!) - Not cleaning the house much (who cares!) - Visiting California (first world problems!) - Scrapbook shop hopping with my sister (charms ahoy!) - Wondering where Carly's next mood swing will take me (and she's not even a teenager!) - Freaking out about how tall Josh suddenly seems to be (holy cow!) - Questioning so many of my life decisions that they've all started to swim together into one (yikes!) - Reading too much BuzzFeed (see above!) - Eating an unusually large quantity of cinnamon gummy bears (I blame m...

The house is still, though it never seems to be exactly silent.  Always there is a buzz, a sigh, a whirl.  Fans spinning or washing machines, dogs snoring or people turning over.  In the night, we are at our most vulnerable.  And yet, we trust. In my heart there is a persistence of hope during these silent hours.  It changes from day to day, that thing I hope for.  Some days it is a small hope for better weather or maybe some rain.  Other days, it is a heavy burden holding me down and I just want it to float away.  I turn this way and that, searching searching, I'm not sure what for.  I keep wondering when I'll find it , that thing that makes the pieces come together in the right order.  I often think that, perhaps, that thing is already here and I've just gotten really good at ignoring it.  Whatever IT is. In these silent hours, mind spinning and thoughts a blur, I let my body slow down into that pattern of just before sleep. ...

I know you all wait the whole year for this special post.  Let me assure you, this year it's really good.  Unattainable, but good.  Without further ado, my Christmas list: 1. A new sofa, something sort of like this: This isn't exactly right, because I'd also like it to have recliners - but I don't want an overstuffed, lumpy back end looking sofa.  Basically, it probably doesn't exist and if it does, I certainly can't afford it.  But, Carly keeps asking for a Barbie dream house too, so I figure why not aim high? Santometer says: Even you know it's not possible. 2. This, so much this:  In the interest of full disclosure, I shall disclose that I had a Ford Edge before.  And it was my most very favorite car that I've ever owned/driven/ridden in.  I hope to someday repeat the experience.  Hopefully this whole educating myself to get a job plan will yield one in the future.  But if not...maybe a hotwheels version? Sa...

There is this moment when the thing we fear becomes like an animal in a cage.  We feed it, give it treats, reach into to steal a stroke, tease it, name it, watch it pace in front of the bars.  We get comfortable with it and begin to lose the tightness in our belly.  We begin to believe our feelings were not justified, that we were just being silly.  We begin to make friends with that animal in the cage and we decide to let it out, to see if it has suddenly become civilized.  Inevitably, it has not and then comes the bloody, broken mess on the floor that we have to clean up even as we know we created the mess and we don't want to see that thing we've let loose.  And we have to put it back in the cage, the struggle ensues, and we are irrevocably scarred by the experience only to begin the process again. Lately I seem to be reading, talking, thinking, talking, watching, talking about inclusion and diversity.  As if one of those things is somehow more va...

How do you feel?  Facebook keeps asking me that like it is a living, breathing person who cares.  Silly facebook, I know you're not real.  But still. I feel overwhelmed.  I have so much to do and not enough hours in the day.  If I sleep in (which I did), I scrutinize those minutes and wonder if they are wasted.  If I watch TV, play a game, do nothing, I feel like I'm running behind. I am too busy. But not too busy for facebook to keep asking me how I'm doing. I guess that's ironic. Or it's just that I need to sometimes come up for air.  For pause.  For full stop (like this weekend when I ran around California with my sister and ate lots of In-n-Out.  It was good, the burgers and the running and especially my sister.) I felt refreshed, and then I pushed play. And now - how do I feel? Overwhelmed.  There are not enough hours in the day.  If I sleep - well, why don't we find out?

It's finally here, your gift guide for just what to get me the year the world comes to an end.  This year's guide caters to the ultimate (after all, we've only got a few days until the apocolypse, right?)  and price is no object.  At least it doesn't cost anything to dream. 1.  A family and friends all access vacation to Universal Studios Orlando and specifically Harry Potter Land.  Witches, broomsticks, wands and butter beer not to mention food, gifts, and front of the line passes.  Santometer says: Your chances of going on this trip are about as likely turning into a newt. 2.  An emerald cut diamond ring.  Because it's pretty.  So, so pretty.  Santometer says: You've been blinded by the light. 3. 2012 Jaguar XJ.  Won't my ring look nice while I am driving that car?  I'm glad we can agree. Santometer says: Maybe a matchbox version if you're a good little girl. 4.  This house.  And a...

These days I don't feel much like writing.  Which is sort of a lot alarming since it's how I plan to make my living when I'm all done with school.  I mean, what is that?  It's silly, that's what it is.  Did I run out of things to say?  My husband probably would answer that question with a firm NO.  Maybe I have too much to say, but I can't or shouldn't or won't.  So I read this really funny (though a little swear word heavy) book review after our cousin linked it up on facebook.  The thing that made it really funny was the gifs.  Now, I'd link this review but it's not really appopriate for polite company and we're just going to pretend you're all polite.  Sorry.  To make up for it, I'm going to shamelessly steal the gimmick and use it here to update you on all the (you almost care about them) important events of my life from the last couple of months that I haven't been writing about.  First I was having a great summer...

I sometimes wonder what my children will remember when they get old, like me.  Because 35 is just so, so ancient.  You know, compared to 34.  Or 30.  It's kind of a shock, actually, but I'm off track. I used to think I would remember so many things.  The color of my favorite dress, perhaps.  The deserty smell of Tucson (not to be confused with the desserty smell of Thanksgiving pie).  The names of my very best (for the moment) friends.  The little moments of childhood that seemed so large and important. But I don't remember much of it at all.  Little glimpses of the past, so tiny they often feel unreal.  In fact, I don't really even remember the early days of motherhood - Josh's first laugh, for example.  So important at the time, and now lost in the dusty folds of memory.  I remember moments, tiny little moments, and not much else.  I remember feelings, but mostly those feelings are overtaken by the feelings of today....

So. Hi. Yep, still here.  Sort of.  Have you ever had one of those stretches of time where it just all blends into a stream of colors, and you aren't even really sure what you've been doing?  Something like sitting on a merry-go-round and watching the trees turn into streaks of brown and green.  That's my summer. Except, don't forget the part where the merry-go-round comes unhinged and goes bouncing across the lawn while everyone screams.  And when it comes to rest, you stand up and wobble around for a minute before you run over to a bush and ... well, let's not talk about it. I've come to a realization.  Nothing happens the easy way.  Nothing happens while you're just sitting around watching TV.  Nobody rings your doorbell and gives you a thousand-million-trillion dollars.  Your car doesn't magically fix itself.  The roof doesn't seal up that hole its sporting.  Your kids don't get smarter.  Your homework doesn't d...

I got to check out of my life for almost a month. I got to stick my feet and hands in the sand, feeling the joy of small and simple things. I dreamed fantastical dreams, imagining what it would be like to live in those big places with lots and lots of money and very little worry. I got to act silly for absolutely no reason.  Just because it felt good. And dance lightly across the pounding waves. And for a little while, everything was perfect. I highly recommend it. *special thanks to Cha-Cha, Queen of Legos, for the great pictures and letting us visit*

Some days I can't seem to un-grit my teeth.  Do you have that happen?  Every muscle seems to be tensed up, waiting for something to happen, ready to pounce.  I told myself to relax at least five times today - and yes, I was counting.  Because it seemed completely unreasonable, even to me. Here's a funny little update/fact/tidbit/snapshot/thing.  Carly, lately, likes to start sentences with "Mom, I just need to tell you something."  Usually, what she has to say is some kind of explanation.  Like, what she wants to do and why I should let her.  Or, what she thought it would be just fine to do but now she's not so sure.  She has also grown fond of the phrase "Just so you know."  "Mom, just so you know, I didn't do it," or something to that affect.  It's been going on for a good month now.  Josh, on the other hand, doesn't have a lot of cutesy phrases these days.  His phrases are more like sighs.  Or, my favorite,...

I'm dancing on the edge of emotions Up a little, down a little Back to the start Running from the end Over, around and through In the very next room Lies a boy of 13 Feet sprawled, blankets wild Nose buried in a book Across the hall A girl of seven fights sleep Tosses and turns and Creates excuses to leave her bed On the couch is their dad So tired Already snoring Lost to dreams I'm tired, too Tired of dancing walking and spinning It must be the wind Over, around and through.

The kind of person I want to be: I want to be a person that sees the positive in everyone I meet. I want to be a person that climbs the mountain and comes back down stronger. I want to be the person that lives life unafraid. I want to be the person that reaches for my dreams. I want to be the person that values honesty over ease. I want to be the person that learns from past mistakes. I want to be the person that has a nest egg. I want to be the person with the permanently clean house. I want to be the person with unshakeable standards. I want to be the person that lives what she believes. I want to be the person of faith. I want to be the good mom. I want a lot, but really not so much.  I want to be happy.

This was one of those years that sort of just flew by.  It was January - and then it was January again.  That is not to say we didn't have experiences.  Good and bad.  They just seemed to come and go so quickly. A glimpse at 2011 in words: January - On a High Stool   February - Served March - College is April - What it means to me May - In Profile June - Jotting it down July - In Memory: The Water of Life August - Birth Days: Part Two September - Dear Josh, November - Tilt Oh Whirl December - Dear Carly, (My personal favorites were January, May, July and August.) My hopes for 2012 are simple: I hope to be more fiscally reasonable. I hope to yell less. I hope to do well in school. I hope to be happy. And, of course, I hope to win million dollars.  (But if not me, maybe you!) Happy New Year!

I woke up really early this morning.  Not because Santa dropped down my chimney a little early.  Oh no.  Rather, my daughter was making merry all through the house.  First, she visited my bed.  "I can't see where I'm going," she said. And then she stumbled under the covers and started to complain about her knee.  It hurt.  "Please rub it Mommy." And so I did.  I rolled over and went back to sleep.  For a moment.  And then she was awake again.  The sun was streaming gray through the window, a sure sign of a very early day.  But she was up now and she bounced out my door, slamming it behind her.  One cat was locked in, one locked out.  And the locked out cat began to cry.  So I had to get up and free his brother. Door ajar, the voices drift in as the room turns buttery yellow.  "Why are you bugging me?" says Daddy.  "What do you want to do, watch a movie?" "Yes," she replies.  V...

Not everything around here is Debbie Downer.  I mean, it is almost Christmas.  Once you get past the anxiety over presents, dinners, and decorating, it's a pretty fun holiday.  (Insert uplifting message here about the true meaning of Christmas.) I'm sure the whole world is curious to know what is on my wish list this year.  Let us not forget the unreachable glory of the last few years.  So far Santa's elves have pretty much failed to produce. Ever hopeful, here is my officially official Christmas Wish List 2011including the Practical gifts and Super-Fantastic-Holy-Smokes-I-Need-That gifts, respectively. Practical: 1.  Kindle Fire .  Oh, yes.  It really is practical and I don't even have to pretend!  Textbooks of the e variety!  Apps!  Other books!  Lighter than  laptop!  (I'm not 100% sure it can handle bluetooth, but if so I can even add a keyboard and pretend it would be good for taking notes.)  Entertai...

I am the master of the half-finished.  I have chores I've been intending to do, gardens I've been meaning to plant, stories I've been meaning to tell.  Somewhere inside my brain, all my ideas are locked away having some kind of party.  I've got at least 4 stories going on right now, half written (mostly in long hand with a pen, it's always interesting to try and go back and interpret them for typing).  Funny thing is, as soon as I start to doubt my abilities, the stories stall out and the words dry up.  All the fantastic ideas I have run for the room of half finished things in my brain.  I'm looking for the key, but I've forgotten where I put it.  Which shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. I am not sure what is stopping me from becoming a full-finished woman.  Am I too distracted?  Taking on too many projects?  Or maybe I

If I only had a brain. Well, I'm working on that I suppose.   Some fifteen years ago I left school behind to be a married lady, then a mommy lady.  And I wouldn't trade those things, or change those things.  Marriage and children have been the hardest and most rewarding classes I have ever taken.  Many lessons are learned through pain (caused by my own pride, naivety, and selfishness usually), some were learned through love, some were just plain out learned.  Like, cover up the boy parts while you change diapers.  I learned that lesson quick.  A cuddle goes farther than a spank.  I learned that lesson slow.  You don't get lost, lazy moments back - I haven't learned that lesson yet, I keep failing the test. Now that I'm back in the book-learnin' type school, I am learning new things.  How to budget time, how to meet expectations, how to speak up, how to work hard and fake my way through when I don't understand (I kind of already knew ...