Thursday, March 1

Explore or shut the door?


Becky McGee lived in a small blue house with green shutters smack on the corner of Allowiptus and Ash.  As corners go, this wasn’t a bad one to live on.  Ash was a quiet, two lane, tree lined street with flower beds and picket fences.  There were 13 houses on Ash in a variety of sizes and colors, but mainly white, off white, cream, and ivory.  There was a smattering of tire swings and plastic slides, one disheveled looking sandbox, and one house with boarded up windows that hadn’t been lived  in for a while.  Even this lone abandoned boarded up house was neat and prim with bright red shutters and an empty dog house out back,  just waiting.

Allowiptus, for its part, was home to only a single house.  Becky McGee’s small blue house with green shutters.  The lawn was not very big, but not very small.  The flowers were bright, but not too bright.  A flag whipped in the wind on a tall pole out front and a lamplight was timed to turn on precisely at 8pm each night.  It was a very pleasantly ordinary place to live on the outside.

On the inside Becky McGee’s house was an interesting conglomeration of stuff.  Immediately apparent, if you were to step through the red front door, was a very organized system of chaos.  Boots on the left, a mismatched herd of rubber and leather; jackets on the right, hanging on pegs set at various heights and sporting a variety of decorative knobs on their ends.  A lively umbrella stand in the corner next to the front door, filled with pinwheels that spun when the breeze entered in.  Also on the right, a small staircase leading to the second floor and sporting windchimes between each banister gap.  A healthy dose of potted plants peppered each tread of the stairs.  

An open doorframe on the left revealed a cluttered and cozy yellow living room, if you could ever pry your eyes that far.  The sitting room, as Mrs. McGee (Becky’s mother) liked to call it when she was being fancy, was stuffed full with two large couches the precise color of a just ripe peach.  The cushions sagged heavily, almost dragging the floor as if they were tired, and yet were unexplainably comfortable if you happened to risk a seat.  The couches were arranged in an exaggereted “L” shape with a zebra striped table to occupy the elbow of the “L” in the far corner of the room.  One couch lived in front of a heavily curtained window, while the other was situated beneath the largest painting of a Chesire cat in a top hat you’ll ever see.  (It’s quite unnecessary to mention that this is, perhaps, the only painting of a chesire cat in a top hat you’d ever see, too.)  The dark wooden floor was mostly hidden beneath a thick carpet of an undecided color, sporting the ever suitable variagated mix of brown, tan, white, yellow, red, green and blue.  In bad lighting you might mistake this rather unfortunate carpet for something the Chesire cat spit up.

This eclectic sitting room gave way to an impressive dining room, heavily paneled in inlaid cherry wood and filled to capacity with a dining table that could easily seat twenty with room to spare.  Of course, you could barely walk around this table without being pressed up against the inlaid walls, but once you found your seat for dinner it was quite comfortable.  A heavy chandalier hung on an unsteady chain over the center of the massive table, a cut crystal symphony when lit and the stuff of a fabulous cartoon prank when not.

Behind the dining room was a too-small kitchen with barely room to turn around.  Yellow cupboards, black countertops, and pink tiles all fought bravely for your attention but ultimately lost it to a massive, white refrigerator (whose doors wouldn’t fully open).  The best part of this postage stamp kitchen, perhaps its saving grace, was the smell.  It always smelled like bread or chocolate or cinammon or pickles. 

Sunday, February 26

Keeping Up with the Joneses

Be You.
No one else can live your life.
No one else can do it just the way you do it.
Happiness won't come from following me,
it will come from walking your own bramble covered,
lumpy, bumpy, underwater, smooth sailing, sharp turning road.

Be Authentic.
No one else can make your choices.
No one else will choose the same things you do.
Happiness will come from choosing right,
and it will come from following your gut,
even when it's wrong.

Be Honest.
No one else can tell you your own truth.
No one else will see things just they way you do.
Happiness won't come from what I say about you,
it will come from what you say to yourself,
so choose kind, gentle, loving, honest words to build you up.

Be Kind
No one else can fix the bruises you inflict with your words.
No one else can undo the love you've shared with joy.
Happiness will come from the soft moments,
it will come in the stillness that follows a humble heart,
so be ready to bend a little.

Be You.



Thursday, February 23

Bedtime

I'm dancing on the edge of emotions
Up a little, down a little
Back to the start
Running from the end
Over, around and through

In the very next room
Lies a boy of 13
Feet sprawled, blankets wild
Nose buried in a book

Across the hall
A girl of seven fights sleep
Tosses and turns and
Creates excuses to leave her bed

On the couch is their dad
So tired
Already snoring
Lost to dreams

I'm tired, too
Tired of dancing
walking and spinning
It must be the wind
Over, around and through.

Saturday, February 11

Dear Dad,

It was your birthday yesterday. 

I forgot.

Not entirely, I mean I remembered yesterday that it was your birthday but I didn't do anything about it.  No calls, or letters, or presents in paper.  I'm sorry about that.

By way of apology, here is my list of top ten things you've taught me. 

1.  Never do for myself what others should have the opportunity to do.  Service is a two-way street, even when the other person involved is my child and they really don't want to get up and get me a drink.

2.  There's good music, and there's every other kind of music.  You can easily identify the good music for me if I'm having a hard time figuring it out.  You're probably listening to the good music, because you certainly wouldn't be listening to the bad music.

3.  The Arizona Wildcats are the best team on Earth.

4.  Chocolate is the perfect food for every meal.  Pumpkin pie is a suitable substitute.

5.  There is no change.

6.  Commercials are better when muted.

7.  My kid's first car should be the kind of car they can beat to pieces.  Preferably it should come pre-dented.

8.  Am I better off today than I was five years ago?  Can I even remember what was so terribly wrong back then?  Then, I'm probably ok.

9.  That stupid thing I did, you probably did it first.  So yes, there is going to be a consequence.  But no, I'm not going to die.

10.  Love.

Thanks Dad.

Love,

Me

Thursday, February 2

Consider the possibilities

Tonight I am acutely aware of the tender mercies of the Lord.

In my life I have an amazing capacity for getting distracted.  Distracted by jobs I need to do, errands to run, money, grades to improve - both mine and not mine, people to talk to even though I really rather wouldn't ever make eye contact with anyone except my computer, emails to read and delete, money, food to prepare, sleep to lose, money.  Did I mention money?

Tonight we watched a short video about the Widow's Mite.  First, let me just mention that I never realized what a clever play on words that is.  Second, after the video we talked about what God requires vs. what we can provide.  And we came to realize those are the same things, and not just in terms of money.  He asks only for all that we have to give and no more.  Sometimes that seems like a real lot.  Especially when it comes to money.  No, He doesn't want all my money.  Or yours.  He asks me for 10%.  My 10% is the same at Mitt Romney's 10% that was so recently made a big deal about.  But I have a really hard time giving that 10%.  Despite all that I have, and despite knowing that what I have comes from the plan for my life, I have a hard time giving that little bit back to the Lord.  Especially when I've gone and spent my husband's paycheck at Target.  Target get's more than 10% from me - and I'm fully aware that I'm doing things backwards.  And still it's hard, so hard.  Because God doesn't knock on my door when I don't pay.  He nudges me, sure.  But never threatens to cut off my electricity.

But, it's not just money.  I would go back and count how many times I've said money in this post, but that would be depressing.  It's not just money.  God asks for our prayers, love and service.  And I have a hard time giving those too.  But I'm working on it every day, here a little and there a little, so that eventually Sarah's Mite will be great too. 

At this point there are a million metaphors running through my mind.  Ways to compare the requirements to the reality.  But, the short of it is - God never gives up.  Not on me, or on you.  He is watching and waiting for me to get my act together.  And He never says "I told you so."  He only says, "Welcome home."

How awesome is that?

 





Tuesday, January 31

Moving Pictures

I took a stroll down memory lane tonight, sampling the bitter and sweet that is all tied up in pictures.  Along the way I stumbled across what might be one of the last pictures of Carly with her Grandma Annie.  It made me sad and happy all at once, like eating the last chocolate in a box.

I also found some silly moments I had forgotten and wondered how I let that happen.  I always think I will remember each golden moment forever, but it slips away.  And I scolded myself for being such a poor steward of time.


I have watched my children grow into these little (and not so little anymore) people, but I have been so close to the phenomenon that I almost didn't see it happen.  Like magic, suddenly they are new creatures, wholly formed and beautiful in a new way.


I sometimes wonder what my story is, when it will happen.  That dramatic, defining moment that you either get through, or fall through, or check out of.  Maybe it's already happened.  Maybe it slipped by, letting my heart bleed all over the pages, and it's already behind me.  I am certainly changed by the loss of my second set of parents, damaged beyond recognition by the void where they used to live.  But I'm not sure that the changes are a bad thing.  I hope they've made me slow down, look more closely, appreciate more. 


Walking down memory lane, I am filled with the wonder of simple things.  Sharing time.  Watching spring erupt.  Kisses and cuddles.  Laughter.  Music.  Sunrise.  Loving words.  Hello and goodbye.  In the end the complexity of life is stripped away and we are left with these simple things, these lost moments that make up the fabric of mortality.  Everything else is just fluff.


Sunday, January 29

Dear Josh,

This Mom thing is hard.  Coming up on 14 years of doing it, it hasn't really gotten any easier.  I'm still totally lost.

I'm not really sure why I get mad so dang easily.  Or why it irritates me that you have the same habits I had when I was 13.  It probably seems like a very long time ago that I was 13, a lifetime, and it was.

My heart feels very tender lately, it seems to have this surging sort of quality.  It worries all day long about what you're doing, how you're thinking, what decisions you're making.  It troubles over the tools I've given you - or the lack accordingly.  I am constantly afraid that I am not enough to keep you safe.  I'm much too lazy and easy-road-taking.  I can only hope to make up for that by loving you beyond the boundaries of common sense.

When you were small, you used to come and tuck into my body, tight against my chest, and I could smell your hair.  It was feather soft and silky fine, golden nut brown.  The chubby red cheeks of your boyhood pressed against my beating heart, I would sit and breathe you in.  I have no words to describe those moments except for sacred.  Sacred is the bond between a mother and her child.  I feel those bonds stretch thin as you grow up and away, stretching your wings.  But they hold.

When I was young, I couldn't really imagine what being a mother meant.  It was a distant, blurry picture of something vague I knew I wanted.  In all my wildest dreaming moments, I could never have imagined it would be like this.  This sorrowing, gleeful, satisfying, stretched-thin joy.  Looking at you, that picture of you I hold in my mind, I know that I have been so blessed for every moment I've been given. 

I hope someday you'll understand and pass this feeling on.  But not for a while.

Love,

Mom

Monday, January 23

This semester

I'm taking 5 classes.  That seems like a lot to my frazzled little brain.  Plus, starting off the semester with some kinda sickness isn't really a good way to go.  In case you've thought about doing that.  Long story short, I feel scared.  And sick.  In this half delusional state of being I have decided to share my creative writing class efforts with you, much like in the past.  I'll tell you what we were supposed to write, post what I did write, and then wait with baited breath for comments that never come.  Sha la la. 

First up, write a one page scene which entails walking across the room, retrieving an item and walking back.  This is an exercise in time management (go on, give it a try if you'd like.) 

---


Later, she sat cautiously on the edge of her bed, her feet barely touching the floor, and listened to the familiar sounds of nap time.  Chattering, jumping, and slowing down until weary eyes slid shut.  She heard them through the wall, two children pushing hard against slumber.  It was comforting.
The sun fell in slants across the spine of a white photo album, innocent and dusty on a shelf above a very busy desk on the other side of the room.  She hadn’t looked at the album in years, hadn’t really seen it sitting there.  It was wallpaper. 
Standing carefully so that the bed wouldn’t creak too loudly, she crossed the floor.  The children’s babble paused to listen, little radars that heard every moan of the wood floor beneath her toes.  Gently, gently she made her way.
The pictures on the desk stared at her, accusing.  His face and hers, but younger.  Happier.  No gray at his temples.  No rumpled pajamas like those she still wore.  A wedding dress, much too flouncy with puffy sleeves and dripping lace.  The brilliant, splotchy color of a wedding bouquet.  His arm was around her shoulder, the mellow brown of his arm against her creamy white skin.  She realized painfully that he hadn’t smiled like that in a long time.
Her unwilling eyes fell on the contents of another silver frame.  His face again.  Happy, again.  But also, proud.  He was holding his first child up for the camera.  A plump baby cheek against his whiskers.  They both had blue eyes, pieces of sky.
She was standing over the desk now, breathing hard.  She turned the frames on their faces, blocking out the memories, before sliding the white album off the shelf.  A layer of dust sprinkled the desk below.  Clutching the album to her chest, she crossed carefully back to the bed. 
The nap time sounds had faded, replaced by breathing so light she had to strain to hear it.  A snore, a sigh, and turning over.  She waited for the tears to come, now that it was safe, but she had built the dam too high.