You can't stop the world from revolving

The funeral for mom was last night. It was ... hard. The good thing - if there has to be an up side - is that it was filled with all the people mom loved. I volunteered myself to give a eulogy! Gah! I am not fond of public speaking, but I wanted to do it. I don't know why, I think I wanted to represent the family or something. I wanted to express my love and gratitude to have been in her life.
Dad is holding up, its moment by moment. But its awful to see him so sad. He is staying with us, has been since Sunday; we told him to stay forever. Eric, Dad and I all feel like this is the right place for him and we don't want him to be alone. At first it may sound like we are doing this for him, but its for us too. Having him here has brought us a lot of comfort. He and Josh are sharing a room...I know, I know! But its what he wants. We have offered him his own room at least fifty times, he wants to "bunk with Josh". We are going through the difficult process of sorting mom's things. Dad told us he has the only momento he wants, her wedding ring. The rest he keeps in his heart. But, he also brought some practical things over. Toilet paper, towels, tools, laundry baskets. He mentioned some side tables about twenty times, and so we brought those over and they feel like they belong. Some things are harder to sort through than others, and I honestly haven't accomplished much. But its a start. I am so so so SO grateful that Charlotte flew up here to be with us and help me, I can't even begin to express how much of a comfort she has been. I am sad that she is going home on Sunday morning.
Josh is holding up the best out of all of us. I think he is fortunate to still be so innocent and accepting. He has no trouble believing that Gramma is with Heavenly Father. He has no fears. He does have moments of sadness, moments of reflection. When I went to the airport to pick up Charlotte he said, "We can go by and say hi to Gramma." I asked what he meant. He answered, "She will always be there." "She'll always be here too," I said and pointed to his heart. "Lets not talk about it anymore, it will make us feel bad," he said after a moment. I also had an awkward conversation about cremation with him...how do you explain cremation without actually explaining it? But, he didn't want details and was relieved that Gramma's body wasn't actually going to be at her funeral. He didn't come in to the chapel area for the service, he stayed in the back and played with blocks and I'm actually glad he did.
Today was one of the hardest days for me. Yesterday was awful, but the service was very nice and that burden was lifted for dad. But for me today, it just feels final. FINAL. This whole week I have expected to go over to the house and see her walk out of the back room. I have been waiting for the phone to ring and mom to say "Hi sweetie!". I have been waiting to wake up from this awful dream. But last night, it was official. Done. She's not coming back. Today that hurts so very much.
I won't share the eulogy I typed up, but I will share a poem I read that seems to sum up the bottomless ache I feel right now.

Backward

Backward, turn backward, O Time, in your flight,

Make me a child again just for tonight!

Mother, come back from the echoless shore,

Take me again to your heart, as of yore;

Kiss from my forehead the furrows of care,

Smooth the few silver threads out of my hair;

Over my slumber your loving watch keep,

Rock me to sleep, Mother, rock me to sleep.

Elizabeth Akers Allen