Morning snuggles
I am very fortunate that both of my children have been willing cuddlers. I love snuggling up with them, feeling the smooth plump baby skin they both still have, hearing them breath, listening to the fast thumping of their hearts.
Today, Carly and I are both sick. Not just "oh my nose is runny sick". Oh no! Sick like "I sound like I have typhoid, stay away" SICK. I've been teetering on the sick side of things for a couple of weeks now. I haven't been able to sleep enough and normal every day activities leave me on the bad side of functioning. Carly started with the sniffles last week and passed them on to me (why oh why must I kiss those sweet infected cheeks and fingers so often!), the sniffles have bloomed into a hacking cough and on/off fever. What makes this doubly joyful is that I have a choir concert Friday and Saturday night! But back to the subject at hand.
Eric put the feverish and sniffly Carly in my bed with me before he left for work. I enjoy having my children in my bed (when Eric is not, otherwise it's too crowded). I personally love the bonding time that comes after a little voice yells "wake up!" two inches from your face. Carly and I played and snuggled for at least half hour before we left the warm bed and got ready for our day. During this time, as she rested a crazy-haired head on my arm, I wondered if her birthmother would want to change her mind if she saw her at that moment. Carly's birthmother has never asked to see her, never asked how she is, never asked for pictures or even where she lives. It is, to put it simply, baffling. At one point Carly pulled the red blanket on our bed up over her head to play peek-a-boo. With the blanket between us I could feel her squiggling and moving, and the thought fluttered through my mind that she must have felt like this inside the womb. All hands and feet and muscles that never fully relax. I thought of her birthmother feeling that for six months or so, wriggling inside her, just as I felt Josh. I wonder if her birthmother thinks back to that just as I do. I wonder if her birthmother would want her back if she could hear Carly say "halp!" or "I'm hungry" 500 times a day without meaning it. I wonder if she would want her back if Carly was snuggled up behind her arm, as she is behind mine now, watching Spongebob and sucking on the pacifier that we gave back to her because she sleeps better with it to comfort her. (I know mom! But we gave in because she really does sleep so much better at night!) I wonder if her birthmother would be as fascinated with Carly's black eyes and curly lashes, or the stubborn patch of pale skin on Carly's bum, or the shape of Carly's toes.
I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am that Carly's birthmother gave her up. Or how fearful I am that one day Carly will find me unsatisfactory and go seeking her birthmother to take my place. Or how amazed I am that Carly's birthmother hasn't come knocking and begging to reclaim this sweet bundle of stubborn energy from us.
Today, Carly and I are both sick. Not just "oh my nose is runny sick". Oh no! Sick like "I sound like I have typhoid, stay away" SICK. I've been teetering on the sick side of things for a couple of weeks now. I haven't been able to sleep enough and normal every day activities leave me on the bad side of functioning. Carly started with the sniffles last week and passed them on to me (why oh why must I kiss those sweet infected cheeks and fingers so often!), the sniffles have bloomed into a hacking cough and on/off fever. What makes this doubly joyful is that I have a choir concert Friday and Saturday night! But back to the subject at hand.
Eric put the feverish and sniffly Carly in my bed with me before he left for work. I enjoy having my children in my bed (when Eric is not, otherwise it's too crowded). I personally love the bonding time that comes after a little voice yells "wake up!" two inches from your face. Carly and I played and snuggled for at least half hour before we left the warm bed and got ready for our day. During this time, as she rested a crazy-haired head on my arm, I wondered if her birthmother would want to change her mind if she saw her at that moment. Carly's birthmother has never asked to see her, never asked how she is, never asked for pictures or even where she lives. It is, to put it simply, baffling. At one point Carly pulled the red blanket on our bed up over her head to play peek-a-boo. With the blanket between us I could feel her squiggling and moving, and the thought fluttered through my mind that she must have felt like this inside the womb. All hands and feet and muscles that never fully relax. I thought of her birthmother feeling that for six months or so, wriggling inside her, just as I felt Josh. I wonder if her birthmother thinks back to that just as I do. I wonder if her birthmother would want her back if she could hear Carly say "halp!" or "I'm hungry" 500 times a day without meaning it. I wonder if she would want her back if Carly was snuggled up behind her arm, as she is behind mine now, watching Spongebob and sucking on the pacifier that we gave back to her because she sleeps better with it to comfort her. (I know mom! But we gave in because she really does sleep so much better at night!) I wonder if her birthmother would be as fascinated with Carly's black eyes and curly lashes, or the stubborn patch of pale skin on Carly's bum, or the shape of Carly's toes.
I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am that Carly's birthmother gave her up. Or how fearful I am that one day Carly will find me unsatisfactory and go seeking her birthmother to take my place. Or how amazed I am that Carly's birthmother hasn't come knocking and begging to reclaim this sweet bundle of stubborn energy from us.
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