Lessons to be learned

I picked up a book at the store about ADD. Joshua has been officially diagnosed as ADD for about a year and a half. I feel a large quantity of guilt because I took this whole thing rather casually. We tend to think of ADD / ADHD kids as being problem kids, and Joshua is definitely not a problem child. He has always been sweet and mostly obedient, easy to please and able to entertain himself. The more I learn about ADD, though, the more I realize how much of a big deal it actually is, how many signs we missed, how many mistakes we made.
For example, something I learned recently is that ADD often has ticks as a side affect or symptom. When Joshua was a baby he used to pull on his hair, just on a little patch near his temple. When he stopped the pulling, he started popping his eyelids (that started a couple years ago or so), and when he stopped popping his eyelids all the time he started snapping his fingers. All these little things seemed weird and the snapping in particular was annoying. In fact, his teacher earlier this year thought Josh was snapping at her to get her attention. But, all this time, this has been a tick that Joshua has very little recognition or control of. I feel awful about all the times I've been after him to cut it out.
Another symptom of ADD is inability to hold a pencil correctly, his brain just hasn't made the pathway that tells his hand how to hold a pencil/pen/crayon properly. Had I known this, when Joshua was in preschool we would have seen that sign and been able to tackle some of the issues with school much earlier. Such a simple sign. It's not laziness, it's straight out inability. His writing has improved this year but it has been a huge struggle for him to get to this point. Most forth graders are already using cursive regularly, Joshua is not even close...which leads us to the next "Oh crud!" mom moment...
I learned that many children/adults with ADD or ADHD have a perfectionism that causes two major things: 1. He will be 10x harder on himself any time he feels like he failed 2. He will avoid any tasks that he can't complete perfectly. Now, it's not a surprise that Joshua is a perfectionist...we've always felt that he is. However, it's not your typical "all things in its place and clean" perfectionism. It's more like "I didn't do that right and I suck and everyone knows it" perfectionism. Each time we correct him or point out his failing we compound his feelings about his lack of ability. Now, I can almost hear you saying "Just teach him that he's wonderful and help him suck it up." Maybe not those exact words, I'll wager, but something along those lines. The fact is, he won't grow out of it. I was talking with a friend of ours who is ADHD, an adult friend, and he said that is exactly how it is for him. If he can't do it perfectly, he will find any way to not do it and he will berate himself if its not perfect. The question is, how do I help Josh learn things when I can't correct him? I also feel terrible for all the times I've pointed out his wrongness. It's not that I can't tell Josh something is not done the right way, but my language and method has to change or I'll just keep compounding his feelings of no worth. This is true for any child, I'll grant you that, but for a child with ADD it's like a spotlight they can't escape.
We're also learning that Joshua needs more visual clues, and less language/written based queues. He needs to know what he is looking for in his mind, create a picture, and then it is easier for him to complete a task. He also needs to have less stimulus when he's trying to do something. He can only do one thing at a time which is why, often times, he won't hear you if he is busy with a task. Also, he is barraged by stimulus 24/7 and has a hard time filtering out the right information. These are not so much surprises to us, but the simplicity with which we must learn to talk with him is a challenge.
Part of me feels like we are lowering our expectations of him. He's a very smart and creative kid, it is not a lack of intelligence. It is a difference in thinking. The fact is, his classroom at school is not set up to allow him to learn. That is not Joshua's failing. Part of the reason he drifts off in class when he should be focused on a task is because he'd rather not do it then do it wrong. He also doesn't want to ask for help. Why? Because it points out, yet again, that he is different. His writing, his oral reading, his contentment with playing alone all point out just how different he is and makes him a target. And reading, to go back for a minute, is another strange land. We've felt, for a long time, that Joshua reads things faster than he can read aloud...meaning he will read a book out loud and although the words coming out orally are at the top of the page, his mind is racing to the bottom of the page. This causes him to stumble over words and lose his place. Apparently (at least this book recommends) we shouldn't tell him to slow down, we should encourage him to read silently and speed up as fast as he wants to go. While he reads to himself we should stop him now and then and ask what happened at certain points on the page to see if he is comprehending what he is reading.
It's a strange a fascinating world, and I feel as though I have been completely failing Joshua for the past few years he has been struggling through school. It is so easy to label him as lazy, which there is some of that mixed in, but in fact Joshua is working 10x harder to make the same amount of progress as other kids his age. It is very difficult for me to understand and deal with his struggle, but the more I learn about it the better. I know that the little bit I have learned so far has opened my eyes to the colossal struggle that Joshua is engaged in. I'm so proud that he continues to fight on with so much on his little shoulders.