I've debated with myself all day about whether or not I should delete the last post, about whether it was too personal. Last night after I had typed it and proofed it, I faltered on the publish button.
I want everyone to believe that my kids are the most amazing, talented, smart, perfect, well behaved children ever to walk the face of the earth. Even though they can be the most sassy, disobedient, wound up little monsters, they are still my monsters. They are amazing, talented, perfect, well behaved little monsters.
They are amazing little shining stars that twinkle as bright as noon day sun.
But it's just not easy all the time.
Sometimes it is so wonderfully easy to be the mommy. Perfect little moments string together and form into days and weeks and months. I don't have to think so hard, to work so hard, to be so much, to never give enough. Sometimes Joshua will hug me and I feel so swelled up with love and adoration that I might burst. Sometimes Carly snuggles her face against my neck and I feel like our hearts are beating in time together. It makes me smile, laugh, let go a little bit. Sometimes my life does look like those perfect blogs I visit.
If motherhood was made up only of those rosy moments it would be so very easy.
But it's just not that easy all the time.
I was so tense last night when I went to bed that I had to actually talk myself into relaxing. Unclench my jaw, breath deeply, relax my shoulders, unwind. I had to take it step by step.
Today was better.
I decided that I shouldn't delete that last post because maybe just 1 person will read it and think "Hey, that's me too! I'm not the world's worst mother!"
Even though my readership is small, maybe someone will trip across the blog and think for a second that - you know what? It's ok that my kids aren't perfect! It's ok that I tried really hard and fell short of the mark. It's ok that my son didn't get a perfect grade on his test. I still love him, he still loves me, and somehow we'll get through it.
I can always start fresh tomorrow, even if I repeat today's mistakes. I can always start over and if I look hard enough I'll see those rosy moments, glowing and peaceful, and I'll be ok.