I was so mad at Joshua tonight. I could actually feel the anger bubbling under my skin, threatening to break out, leaking out through my voice.
I have this thing. When I'm interested in something, or passionate about something, or amazed by something, or when I'm angry, I raise my eyebrows. This isn't a flirtatious cocking of the brow, oh no. My whole forehead wrinkles and puckers - rather unattractively - and my (already thin) eyebrows rise up of their own accord.
Once when Joshua was about 3, he attempted to smooth my wrinkled brow.
"Don't do that" he said, soft fingers touching the angry part of my face, chocolate eyes wide with alarm.
I think that my eyebrows were almost touching my hair line tonight, bunched up and wound as tight as my nerves.
I was angry about homework.
All weekend Joshua has been claiming that he has no homework, free as a bird. But, when I went to check on Sunday night there was oodles of homework to do including a book report.
A book report with no instructions.
A book report with no book to glean our information off of.
A book report on a book Joshua hasn't finished reading.
Plus some math pages.
I wanted to cry and storm and pout and scream all at once. So I did.
I yelled at him.
My little man just sat and took it. "I don't know Mom", "I forgot Mom", "I guess so Mom".
Infuriating and a little bit sad.
I wanted to give up. So I did.
I put my head in my hands and I prayed. Should I just let him fail, Lord? I can't just let him fail! I can't do it! He's my baby, Lord, I can't let him fail. It's already hard for him. It seems like he is not trying! I'm trying so hard! It doesn't seem to matter to him. If I let him fail, will it matter to him? I can't let him fail!
While I was thus pleading Eric found the instructions for the book report online. Then we dug a book out of our bookshelf that fits the criteria and that Joshua has read many times. We completed the math pages, almost finished the book report.
In the end, Joshua brought me a Tootsie Pop and told me he loves me.
Even though I yelled.
Even though my forehead swallowed my eyebrows.
He still kissed me goodnight.
I don't deserve him.