Four for Friday, vol 22

I've been thinking a lot about my weight the last few days. I always think about it but the last couple days it's been heavier, pun intended. It seems as if the jell-o six pack has shifted it's way up. Which is odd. It feels like I am carrying it differently. Perhaps I am not, but it is very uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable before, but more like a sock sitting crooked in your shoe. Irritating but manageable. Right now it feels more like 12 socks wadded up in your shoe. Really full. Too much detail? It isn't quite the right explanation but I digress.

So I decided that it's time to do something about it. Something in a real concrete, can't back out, can't flake out, can't hide kind of way.

Because that's what this extra weight is, and always has been - hiding. Sure some of it is genetics. Some of it is bad habits. Some of it is a sweet tooth that won't quit and a soft spot for Cheetos. There is also that bit that belongs to Dr. Pepper. How do I love thee, Dr? Let me count the weighs. But, mainly, it's hiding. From people, from being seen, from myself, from my potential, from being noticed. I don't want to be noticed or looked at or considered. Because what you might see, if you look close, is nothing at all. And let's face it, your gaze slides right over a fat person and away. It's impolite to stare.

I fully realize this is not a healthy way to think. And it's not what my momma taught me either. Funny how we grow up not hearing the voices that matter most quite loud enough. The mean voices, the cruel voices, the mocking voices - those we can hear echoing through our minds. Locking us in our own private hell.

My sister, oh wise and powerful Cha-Cha Queen of Legos, has noticed that my attitude about myself is reflected in my son. Depressing, isn't it? His lack of self confidence, well that sounds oddly like me. His shyness, his fundamental lack of belief in his greatness - those pop right out of my mouth too. Try as I might, my very soul spews forth the venom that churns within against my will. My sister, mentor and role model Cha-Cha Guiding Light, has encouraged me to be kinder to myself, to believe in myself. And while I can't say that I do, I am trying.

Because if I am not going to try for Josh and Carly, then for who? Surely there are no two creatures on the planet more worthy of a mother that loves herself. Surely there are no two creatures that deserve more to feel the safety of self reliance and confidence. Surely there are no two creatures around that are more entitled to be proud of their mother and how healthy she looks, acts, is.

I mean, just look at them! Cut from stardust and forged with dreams.

So, my Four for Friday is all about my non-hiding, public goal for getting healthy. Not getting skinny, getting fit.

1. Give up Dr. Pepper - this is actually a really big hurdle for me. I have tried a couple of times. But I love the stuff. I don't like water. I don't drink juice and I don't drink much milk. I have a little bit left in the house that I'm going to savor to the last drop, then I'm quitting cold turkey.

2. Exercise 3-5 times a week - this was really easy when the weather was warm. Carly and I were walking the (almost) .5 mile to school every afternoon to pick up Josh. I was logging about a mile a day of walking, Mon-Fri, and it wasn't hard. It was lovely, in fact, right up until I stopped doing it because I was 'busy' or it was 'too cold'. Come spring, we'll be walking again. Until then I'm going to have to find an indoor exercise that won't be too boring.

3. Eat breakfast and smaller portions - I almost never eat breakfast or if I do it's closer to lunch time. I am not a morning person so I skip it until I'm awake and then eat a nice size portion before taking a nap. Smart, huh? Well, I'm going to attempt to eat breakfast every day with the kids (aside from weekends because that is probably impossible given our different waking times). And then during the day have small snacks and small portions. I am also going to try not to eat after 7pm. (Farewell late night snack, we were good friends.)

4. Cut out junk food and fast food except for an occasional treat - {Sob} Self explanatory but no less painful.

I thought about posting one of those fun little weight-o-meters but that's just too depressing given the amount of weight I'd like to lose. So, rather than pounds or inches I'm going to just track how well I did each week with my 4fer.

You know, accountability and all.