Introspective

-
I think I am a reactionary person.  I let myself get all worked up and then later, when I'm not seeing red, I feel really bad.  And stupid.  

Want to know something else about me?  Quite often, I avoid looking at myself in the mirror.  I regularly stick out my tongue at my reflection when I do look.  I examine pictures of myself to see if there is anything worth seeing.  

I also talk a lot.  Not at first, when I don't know you, but later when I am comfortable.  I talk like I know a lot too.  But I don't know much at all.  I am good at making educated guesses.   I have somewhat mastered sounding smart without being smart.

When people point out that I am good at something, or compliment me because I have done something well or lost weight, I avoid doing that thing again.  Because the attention is uncomfortable.

I hate going into crowded rooms.  I dislike meeting new people.  The phone is the bane of my existence (which is kind of funny because most of my 'courtship' was via the phone).  I am terrible at small talk.  TERRIBLE.  Sometimes I get so uncomfortable trying to make small talk that I start to repeat myself, babble, sweat or shake.  I do not like making eye contact with people I don't know.

I really like personal space.  I am not a hugger.  I always feel a little awkward when other people are hugging each other and I don't make the 'right' motion to hug people too.  I can see them look at me, expecting contact, and I can not move fast enough out of the way.  I don't mind hugging my really close friends and family.  But that's about it.  

I can be a really mean person.  I gossip way too much.  I am extremely critical of people I don't like or people that have wronged me.  I hate lying and it takes a long time to win my trust back if I know that a person has lied to me.  

I dislike the sound of my own voice.

I know I have good qualities too.  I don't need a list of them to know they exist.  They just seem very small in comparison to the mountain of badness that spins around inside me. 

The best I thing I can say about myself, though, is that I'm trying.

Comments

That Girl said…
You are commanded to rewrite this post about things you like about yourself.

NOW.
11:05 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Carly,

-
Image
I assume that one day you will come to me wanting to know who you are, where you came from, where your other family is and why they gave you to us.  I offer you little bits of information already, but certainly not crumbs enough to satisfy the appetite.  Perhaps it won't matter to you.  I am assuming a lot, already, about how adoption will impact your life. People often wonder why adoptive parents are hurt when their children seek out biological roots.  I have the answer, and it's very simple.  Adoption - at its core - makes us question the legality, authority, voracity, and validity of parenthood.  For most adoptive parents, first you must come to terms with an issue that strikes at the foundations of mortality: fertility.  From birth, most of us are driven to form families.  First we are nestlings, nurtured and weened and eventually taught to fly.  Then we are nest-builders, filling our lives with the stuff necessary to drive life forwar...
Read more

M is for Mother

-
Motherhood is more than carrying a child in your womb for 9 months. Motherhood is more than daily wiping of noses, cleaning of faces, filling of bellies. Motherhood is more than driving, shopping, cleaning, cooking. Motherhood is part of being a Woman, but not all of it. It is part of growing up, for some of us. It is conducive to gaining appreciation, but not for everyone. I was still a child myself, really, when I became a Mother. Joshua and I did a lot of growing up together. We both learned a lot about sacrifice. I learned how to say good-bye to him in the morning, he learned that separation from Mother wasn't such a bad thing after all. Especially since he got to go to Grandma's house (which, sorry Disney, was the happiest place on earth). I learned I could love someone until my heart might burst and be completely enraged at the same time. He learned that the wrinkling of my forehead was not a good sign for anyone. We learned a lot about time, more specifically abo...
Read more

thirty two

-
Image
Today is the big day, the day when I roll over from 31 ( just barely old) to 32 (aka old and can't deny it) . The funny thing is, I don't feel 32. I feel just like I did at 22, just maybe a little less scared. There are a few gray hairs tucked in the brown, there are a few wrinkles under the chubbiness of my 'baby face'. I can't say that I'm feeling the aches and pains of a body weighed down by years. I don't. Except perhaps my ankles which are stiff in the mornings from my bad habit of tripping on my own feet . The march of years is fairly kind to us, I think. We feel the same though our bodies keep climbing that mortal hill. Today I'm going to celebrate being alive . I'm going to eat good food, share good company, laugh while I tickle my kids. I'm going to take a long nap (hopefully) and just be glad for one more day, one more week, one more month, one more year. Oh, and I'm going to sport this super cute and sassy hair cut curteousy of ...
Read more