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Introspective

I think I am a reactionary person.  I let myself get all worked up and then later, when I'm not seeing red, I feel really bad.  And stupid.  

Want to know something else about me?  Quite often, I avoid looking at myself in the mirror.  I regularly stick out my tongue at my reflection when I do look.  I examine pictures of myself to see if there is anything worth seeing.  

I also talk a lot.  Not at first, when I don't know you, but later when I am comfortable.  I talk like I know a lot too.  But I don't know much at all.  I am good at making educated guesses.   I have somewhat mastered sounding smart without being smart.

When people point out that I am good at something, or compliment me because I have done something well or lost weight, I avoid doing that thing again.  Because the attention is uncomfortable.

I hate going into crowded rooms.  I dislike meeting new people.  The phone is the bane of my existence (which is kind of funny because most of my 'courtship' was via the phone).  I am terrible at small talk.  TERRIBLE.  Sometimes I get so uncomfortable trying to make small talk that I start to repeat myself, babble, sweat or shake.  I do not like making eye contact with people I don't know.

I really like personal space.  I am not a hugger.  I always feel a little awkward when other people are hugging each other and I don't make the 'right' motion to hug people too.  I can see them look at me, expecting contact, and I can not move fast enough out of the way.  I don't mind hugging my really close friends and family.  But that's about it.  

I can be a really mean person.  I gossip way too much.  I am extremely critical of people I don't like or people that have wronged me.  I hate lying and it takes a long time to win my trust back if I know that a person has lied to me.  

I dislike the sound of my own voice.

I know I have good qualities too.  I don't need a list of them to know they exist.  They just seem very small in comparison to the mountain of badness that spins around inside me. 

The best I thing I can say about myself, though, is that I'm trying.

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