Tuesday, August 18

It was negative, of course

And I've spent the better part of a day rolled up in a ball, internally, 'having speaks' with myself about why that's okay.

I'm not thoroughly convinced. And inside feels like I'm all mashed up.


The other night I couldn't sleep, as usual, and I stayed up really late. Finally around 4 a.m. I gathered myself up and headed to bed. I went through the living room, stopping to close the curtains, and I was pulled outside by the moonlit night.

Out there the sky spread out, dazzling with stars and a crescent moon, and I stood under the thick band of the Milky Way with awe thick in my heart. For a moment, that expanse of midnight blue all pockmarked with silver filled up all my empty spaces. Man made lights of yellow and blue and orange crept along at ground level, a meager reflection of the night above, but they could not hold my eye. It was the stars that flashed white and red and silver that kept my focus. I wondered, as I watched, who was looking back down at me.

And what were they thinking.

The logical part of my brain sees the metaphor here. I see that the darkened world represents my current frame of mind. I realize that my focus is currently on the dim, mortal lights when it should be drawn to the constant light of the heavens. I appreciate that this life has been created with possibilities as broad as the night sky, as vast as the Milky Way, as deep as the midnight blue. In a very calculated way, I recognize these things.

I'm just not ready to make them true. At least not today.

Photo here.