There is this idea floating around out there that as long as a woman is willing and righteous the Lord will provide just enough children to fill out her family.
Just let that sink in for a minute.
No really think about that.
We've all heard a variation of that. Heck, it's even sort of referenced in the Old Testament - just think Sarai. The undercurrent - unintended or not - of that idea is that women who are infertile are not righteous or willing or both. And I think I might take exception to that idea.
I have come to realize that procreation is not fully under God's control. Because we have this thing called agency. How else could unwanted pregnancies exist? If it was purely on a ready, willing and righteous basis there would be no such thing as abortion or adoption. And at the same time, this idea that there are more children 'waiting' to join a family just doesn't sit right to me. Too many Saturday's Warrior fans out there, maybe. My feelings about that are unresolved. Because how do you know, really. Is it agency or predestination?
I also realize that procreation is not fully under my control (I mean, obviously!). It happens or it doesn't. Based on biology. That's not saying there is no such thing as a miracle pregnancy. I've seen and heard that happen. But, those miracle pregnancies are not so much a product of righteousness or worthiness or need or want but rather a plan. The plan for each of us.
(And I realize that sounds a little bit like a contradiction right there.)
This puts me in an awkward frame of mind. Because for some years now I've been using the ol' miraculous conception route. You know, where I say "If I'm supposed to have a baby I will." I think a lot of women subscribe to the miraculous conception concept, actually. But the fact is, agency plus biology is usually responsible for babies (or no babies as the case may be). And while I might relish the idea of a 'quiver full of children', perhaps my quiver is just small.
Learning to accept the gifts we're given can be a winding and dangerous road just as easily as it can be rewarding one. There is nothing wrong with wanting more, unless it becomes our obsession. There is nothing wrong with wanting less, unless it becomes our crutch for doing less. And there is nothing wrong with believing that science is part of God's plan. That we all work within the confines of the laws of nature/biology/math. That those things work together for our benefit, if we let them.
And sometimes, just sometimes, faith won't move the mountain. Because it just wasn't meant to be moved.