Dear Eric,

I just want to warn you, up front, that if my made-up-holiday gift is for Laser Hair Removal or weight loss or any other service that points to how not sexy/hot/pretty/cute I am, you will most likely have a very cold-shoulder lonely Valentine's night.
I'm pretty sure you knew that, but I wanted to cover my bases.
Love,
Me
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I might need to do a post like this soonish.