Skip to main content

There are times

when I look around my little world and think

OH CRAP.

How did I get here?  This is not the direction I was pointing myself to go.  I had

PLANS.

Big plans.

College.  Law school.  Novels.  Money.  Style.  Class.

I was going to change the world, one word at a time.

Somehow I ended up washing faces.  And bottoms.  And floors.  And windows.  Dusting shelves and wiping counter-tops.    Somehow the highlight of my day turned into shopping at the thrift store.  (I bought 3 one dollar records on Monday: Glen Miller, Camelot, and South Pacific.  Yes, records.)

I've discovered that I have a lack of bankable skills.  Which is ironic since I used to be a teller.  For five years.  But apparently that wasn't enough for a local bank to hire me as a teller.  {boggle}  And I have discovered that being at home for five years is akin to never working at all.  I'm very discouraged because I really need a job right now.  Yesterday right now.

The disturbing realities of life keep butting up against my very hard head.  The pull to do more, be more, buy less, whine less, provide more, teach more, learn more is stretching me so far I'm practically Gumby.  Maybe when I get around to an actual real hair cut, I'll have it dyed blue too.  It'll help hide the gray hair that keeps coming back.

Comments

Betina said…
Man... I hear ya sista! Learn how to knit. Really, it keeps me feeling productive.

Thanks for the Battle boats idea. We are TOTALLY going to try that. Anything to help with fine motor control is really helpful. It will also be a good church game, I am sure.

Carly is getting so big. Ivy is wearing her dresses now. Thanks again SOOO much.

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Carly,

I assume that one day you will come to me wanting to know who you are, where you came from, where your other family is and why they gave you to us.  I offer you little bits of information already, but certainly not crumbs enough to satisfy the appetite.  Perhaps it won't matter to you.  I am assuming a lot, already, about how adoption will impact your life.

People often wonder why adoptive parents are hurt when their children seek out biological roots.  I have the answer, and it's very simple.  Adoption - at its core - makes us question the legality, authority, voracity, and validity of parenthood.  For most adoptive parents, first you must come to terms with an issue that strikes at the foundations of mortality: fertility.  From birth, most of us are driven to form families.  First we are nestlings, nurtured and weened and eventually taught to fly.  Then we are nest-builders, filling our lives with the stuff necessary to drive life forward.  Knowledge, safety, money, a sturdy …

On being away from home and turning sixteen: a letter to my son

Dear Josh,

I missed your sixteenth birthday.  I'm sure you recall - or maybe it wasn't so bad because you spent the whole day with your friend watching movies.  Godzilla and Guardians of the Galaxy, you've said.  It's no surprise to me that Godzilla was your favorite of the two.  That atomic green monster holds a special place in your heart.

It was very difficult for me to be away from you when you crossed this threshold in your life.  I remember turning sixteen, being sixteen, and wondering when I would feel like I was actually sixteen.  When I was sixteen, I went and found my first job, I started driving myself around, and I pretty much felt like I was in the wrong skin.  I'm only now, at 37, beginning to feel in the right skin.  Or at least comfortable with the skin I'm in.  But you - well, you don't seem to have a problem being you.  I can't explain how very happy that makes me feel, how very reassured.  Because it can be really hard not to like you…

Dear Carly (on your 9th birthday),

I can't remember what it is like to turn nine years old.  From watching you turn nine, it must have been difficult because it seems like everything is either really, really greator really, really bad.  Some days I think I might get whiplash from the mood swings (and you're not a teenager yet!).   But overall, I think nine must also be really wonderful.  You seem to be full of joy, even moments after being full of woe.  It's as if the joy just pushes the other stuff out.  It practically oozes from your pores.  More than that, on the days you choose to be happy, the whole world sings with you.  People are infected by it, drawn in to your sweet smile and shining eyes.  Attracted like bugs to a light.  You shine, dear little diva, so brightly sometimes it's blinding.

We just spent three weeks together in California, and I must have complained too much about your behavior because your dad believes we are oil and water right now.  I'd prefer to see us as oil and vinegar …