Sunday, June 27

Contradiction

I am that girl, the one who sits in the back row and doesn't meet your eye.

I am that girl, the one who looks busy reading or writing or something.  I'm focused on something that seems absorbing or important and I don't notice you noticing me.

I am that girl, the one who recognizes you.  But you don't recognize me and I don't remind you who I am.  I give a little smile and keep walking, hoping that you won't see my cheeks flame red, hoping I don't look afraid.

I am that girl, the one who abhores small talk and really stinks at making it.  I can never think of a relaxed and clever thing to say and so I usually say nothing.  Or even worse, I ask the same thing twice.

I am that girl, the one who is called 'quiet' or 'reserved.'  I've even been called 'stuck-up.' 

I am that girl, the one who didn't live up to all her potential.  The one who didn't finish school, who didn't walk the path expected, who happily settled into another life.

I am that girl, the one who admires what you're wearing and wishes she had the confidence to pull it off too.  But doesn't.

I am that girl, the one who doesn't want sympathy at all.  Who doesn't want any kind of attention.  Who would rather you thought everything was peachy keen.

I am that girl, the one who doesn't mind that you didn't stop by.  Who rather likes that you didn't stop by, actually.  Who doesn't want to talk on the phone, who replies to email so fast it's almost pathetic, who prefers one step of disconnect.


And yet, I am not that girl.