Thursday, August 12

8.12.10

It is only natural I think a lot about motherhood in the first two weeks of August.  On the 11th day of a very hot August, the boy came along.  After long hours of labor and terror, he transformed me from bloated-whale-expecting to Mother.  At the time it didn't feel very magical.  It felt pretty terrible.  But then they put him in my arms for the first time.  And I understood.

This, this is life.

The second time I became a Mother was a whole different kind of labor.  It was more of an internal pushing and pulling and screaming.  There was pain and fear too, but a different flavor altogether.  I can't say that every step of the way was wonderful, but there were some magic moments.  Moments when I felt guided and protected and assured.  There was a lot of waiting too, and wondering.  A lot of worry.  But then they put her in my arms for the first time.  And I understood.


This, this too is life.

While Motherhood is something I can claim as a birthright, the Mom thing is a whole lot harder and crazier.  I am not even close to having it mastered.  Many days I want to just pull out my own hair because it would be a good distraction.  There are times when I think that my eyes my explode because they are opened so wide in consternation.  Sometimes the sound of my own voice, yelling, frightens me (and the kids too).  I tend to be selfish and self absorbed, I like it when my children entertain themselves.  I often am sucked into my own world and I forget to bring the wee ones along.

But, I also give kisses and hugs freely.  Tickles are abundant.  I believe in treats and toys and snuggling.  I have become converted to the power of napping together.  Nothing brings me as much satisfaction as the smiles of my children.  So, I think I've got some things right.

It is often easy to remember how badly I've messed up their little lives, harder to remember that they are happy and healthy and loved.

And I am blessed.

(Notice their fake smiles)

"Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life." - Sophocles