Thursday, August 26

One of those days

This is one of those days when I question everything about me. I wonder if I made a colossal mistake, going back to school.  I wonder if I've chosen the right path in school.  I wonder if my major and minor are even within my realm of possibility.  I wonder if I'm just doing what feels easy instead of what feels right.

I wonder if I should have kept Carly home for another year.  I wonder if children are mean to her, if they single her out because she looks different, if she bosses them around, if she listens to her teacher.  I wonder if she feels safe.  Is safe.

Currently my son is sitting in the back office, crying.  He is crying because he is Frustrated, capital F, because I questioned his work and asked for more.  He feels like a failure.  I caused that.  I wasn't even trying to criticize him.  I was trying to get more from him, to pull some of the brilliance from his head, to get him to put some more effort and pride into his work.  I didn't raise my voice.  I didn't say anything mean.  I praised him, actually, for the work he had done so far.  And yet, he is still devastated.  I wonder if homeschool was the right choice.  I wonder if I should be involved in his homeschool in any way.  I wonder if I should let him off the hook and accept the work he provided.  I wonder if I should try to comfort him some more or just let him work it out alone.  I wonder if I am a terrible mother.

I entered an essay contest the other day.  I know I won't win, I know when I don't win it will shatter my brittle confidence.  Even though I know I won't win.  Did I say that twice?  My husband says I shouldn't be so hard on myself.  I don't know how to stop doing that, though.  There was another writing contest I wanted to enter, a fiction contest.  I entered last year.  I didn't win.  This year, when I tried to write, I couldn't do it.  I started about 5 different story lines.  I tried to make them work.  There are a couple I really thought were good starts.  But my brain was paralyzed.  Because last year, I didn't win.  So why try.

My son is still talking to himself in the back room, sniffling and complaining.  He does this when he is Frustrated.  Capital F.  I don't want him to be like me, and yet he is.  He is my little shadow.  I can't do it right, so I won't try.  I don't have the chops, so I won't try.  I am Frustrated.  Capital F.  I don't want to try.

I read this the other day on nienie:

I'm trying to hold on to that.


Heather said...

i have nothing to offer, except my condolences. neither being a mom nor a person are easy feats in life. i think we all wonder how well we are REALLY doing.

for the record: i think you are a brilliant writer and fantastic mother. don't let your brain get the best of you!!

Anonymous said...

My theory is the sore muscles and piles of homework are kicking in. Keep the chin up Principal Tario - or else I might have to tell Carly to do some clapping push ups for your entertainment.

Cannwin said...

Once, lots of years ago I decided to take a short story class. It required essays.

At that point I had been out of school for nearly 4 years, I came home and sobbed into my husbands arms.

"I can't do this!!!!" I wailed. "I don't remember how to write an essay!"

I was terrified.

But then two years ago I took another class, this time english composition and the only thing that bugged me was that I was stuck with a bunch of 18 year olds. I wanted more! I wanted the teacher to push me farther.

I kept getting these notes from my instructor saying things like "I think you're not getting any feedback on your work because they're all intimidated by you."

I guess what I'm trying to say is... YOU CAN DO IT!

I'm totally jealous that you get to go to school and I've only read this front page of your blog. I would love to take more than one or two classes every few years... well, okay only if they were all in writing and I didn't have to deal with stupid things like speech or math. :)

What are you studying?

Sarah said...

Hi Cannwin! Thanks for stopping by and for your words of encouragement. As a fellow blogger, you know they are appreciated! I am going to be a Communication major with a focus on critical studies in mass media. There is more to it, but its a mouthful and rather unimportant at this point in the game. I hope to double major in English, we'll see if my stamina holds out! I've been wanting to take classes for about 10 years now but every time I got ready to give it a go, my husband decided he needed to go back to school or change jobs. In retrospect, it wasn't the right time. I feel really lucky to finally be 'there'.

Cannwin said...

lol, that sounds about right for me as well. Every time I start thinking about is something happens and I can't go. Lately I've been pretty okay with that, I think I've come to terms with my lack of education (depending on the crowd I'm with). The one thing that has always scared me is that I don't have a means of taking care of us if my husband were gone. I think this must come from the fact that my mother went back to school when I was 16 and we struggled financially for a long time after that.

But... I'm sure the Lord will provide :) And I'm taking care of my family which is super important so I can bide my time and trust all will be well.

PS I would LOVE to major in English...

Or maybe religion...

Or perhaps languages...

Or History...


Sarah said...

Actually, it sounds like we might be separated at birth! One of my major motivations for going back to school right now is the 'what if' scenario.

I would highly recommend some life insurance. Even just a little bit will give you peace of mind that you can make it while you get yourself organized for life without your spouse. We are always looking for things we can cut out of our budget, but life insurance stays. You can get policies pretty cheap nowadays. Just think of it this way: life insurance might mean 2+ years of income. Or no mortgage to worry about. It means food in your family's mouth if something goes wrong. In the meantime, classes here and there help too. Until the 'right time' comes along. Better to live a 'just in case' life rather than an 'if only I had' one.

And no, I'm not an insurance salesman...and you might already have insurance...I just know it has made me feel more secure as an 'unskilled' SAHM.