M is for Mother - Repost and revise

Motherhood is more than carrying a child in your womb for 9 months.

Motherhood is more than daily wiping of noses, cleaning of faces, filling of bellies.

Motherhood is more than driving, shopping, cleaning, cooking.

Motherhood is part of being a Woman, but not all of it.

I was still a child myself, really, when I became a Mother. Joshua and I did a lot of growing up together. We both learned a lot about sacrifice. I learned how to say good-bye to him in the morning, he learned that separation from Mother wasn't such a bad thing after all. Especially since he got to go to Grandma's house (which, sorry Disney, was the happiest place on earth). I learned I could love someone until my heart might burst and be completely enraged at the same time. He learned that the wrinkling of my forehead was not a good sign for anyone. We learned a lot about time, more specifically about how little there is. Just yesterday he was a bundle of knobby knees and elbows with a baby face attached. Now suddenly he is on the verge of young manhood a young man. Frightening. We have spent over a decade together on earth, a span of time that flew by so fast I can scarcely remember most of it.

Motherhood is learning that you aren't, after all, the center of the universe - even your own.

Motherhood is wanting to do everything for your child and sometimes knowing that everything means nothing at all, means letting them stand alone, means sending them off into the world.

Joshua used to ride his scooter to school. Each morning, he would push himself down our driveway. Near the bottom, where the sidewalk and our driveway came together, he would turn his scooter smoothly to the right with one leg up and one leg on the scooter. As he disappeared from view, my stomach would clench with fear. He used to wobble on that scooter, barely aloft as he learned to balance. Now he can fly, smooth and steady and strong. It just took some time, some encouragement, some patience, some practice.

Motherhood means believing in something greater than yourself.

Motherhood means trusting in the power of your child.

Motherhood means living with constant fear.

The other day Carly came in to my room before school.  We were both getting ready for the day, preparing to head off and fill our heads with all kinds of important things.  She twirled and danced and chattered, in constant motion, and then she threw her little arms around me and said "You're the best mom ever."

Motherhood means holding close to the little, every day kind of moments because they vanish like the setting sun, slipping out of view while you're busy blinking.

Motherhood means setting aside doubt and insecurity to embrace the truth that in that one moment, you ARE the best mom ever.

I often think to myself that my children deserve more. That they should have a Mother who is more engaged, a Mother who is more patient, a Mother who is more kind, a Mother who loves herself more, a Mother with more time. I also think they deserve less. A Mother who yells less, a Mother who is less self-involved, a Mother who beats herself up less, a Mother who is less involved in the process and more involved in the outcome. Sometimes when I look at my children I think know that I am not good enough for them. Sometimes when I look at my children I see the spark of divine shining through so brightly I am almost blinded, and I think it was a mistake they came to me.

Motherhood means learning there is good in everyone, sometimes buried deep.  Even in me.

I think about my own Mother sometimes. I think about how she suffered and sacrificed. About how she changed and grew. About how she always - and still - believes in the greatness of her children. I want to be that kind of Mother.  I think about how she must have had her own worries and wonders too, about how she set them aside for me.  I think about how she conquered her own demons, climbed her own mountains, learned her own lessons, dreamed her own dreams.  I think about how lucky I am that my Mother loves me.

Sometimes I think we take the humanity out of Motherhood.

Sometimes I think we expect Sainthood instead of Motherhood.

Sometimes I think we forget that a Mother is just a Woman with children at her apron strings.