Tilt Oh Whirl

-
I figured out what it is, that thing that has me yo-yo-ing between ok-happy-sad-sadder-ok-sad-happy...people keep having babies!

They're everywhere!  Little pregnant women with popped out bellies.  Big pregnant women looking glow-y.  Celebrity pregnant women.  Mean pregnant women. 

Ok, so not really any mean pregnant women.  But I wish they would be mean just so I could justify these feelings.

Don't get me wrong.  I love that people are having babies.   (I am pretty sure I've typed that before.  Probably more than once.)  I mean, someone has to keep things running in the future when I am too busy mashing up my food before I eat it.  Plus, babies are cute.  Ridiculously so.  Chubby cheeks and soft hair and little button noses.  That's the reason people keep having babies, really.  The cuteness.  (If a three year old popped out, people would definitely have fewer kids.  If any at all.)  I'm happy for people having babies. 

And I really thought I was over this.  That I had set the fruitless hopes aside.  That I had finally talked myself into acceptance and joy for what I have.

What I have is great.  Truly.

And yet.

I still, from time to time, trick myself into thinking "Well, maybe."

The disappointment used to be so crushing when I was wrong.

And now it's just...expected.  Where once I was so hopeful, every time, now I am hopeless.  Every time.

It's really hard.  And, while I realize, on the grand scale of things to be sad about this isn't really very near the top, hearts don't listen to logic.  Hearts lack common sense.  It hurts me, it changes me, it affects me, it crushes me.  And the cycle of heartache-guilt (because I have so much)-joy-heartache-guilt (because I have so much) is a very tricky roller coaster ride indeed.

Comments

Harmony said…
wow, I was thinking the same thing TODAY. How many times do I tell myself I have come to terms with the fact that I will never reproduce. That it's fine; that there is a "greater" (haha!) plan for me. Or whatever. But the truth of it is, every time there is a pregnant woman, a little part of me says, "that's not fair." And then I beat myself up for thinking that. Because I love my family. And I wouldn't trade them for anything. I totally, 100% get what you're saying. And I totally wish my insurance would pay for a hysterectomy.
3:55 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Carly,

-
Image
I assume that one day you will come to me wanting to know who you are, where you came from, where your other family is and why they gave you to us.  I offer you little bits of information already, but certainly not crumbs enough to satisfy the appetite.  Perhaps it won't matter to you.  I am assuming a lot, already, about how adoption will impact your life. People often wonder why adoptive parents are hurt when their children seek out biological roots.  I have the answer, and it's very simple.  Adoption - at its core - makes us question the legality, authority, voracity, and validity of parenthood.  For most adoptive parents, first you must come to terms with an issue that strikes at the foundations of mortality: fertility.  From birth, most of us are driven to form families.  First we are nestlings, nurtured and weened and eventually taught to fly.  Then we are nest-builders, filling our lives with the stuff necessary to drive life forward.  Knowledge, safety, money, a stur
Read more

M is for Mother

-
Motherhood is more than carrying a child in your womb for 9 months. Motherhood is more than daily wiping of noses, cleaning of faces, filling of bellies. Motherhood is more than driving, shopping, cleaning, cooking. Motherhood is part of being a Woman, but not all of it. It is part of growing up, for some of us. It is conducive to gaining appreciation, but not for everyone. I was still a child myself, really, when I became a Mother. Joshua and I did a lot of growing up together. We both learned a lot about sacrifice. I learned how to say good-bye to him in the morning, he learned that separation from Mother wasn't such a bad thing after all. Especially since he got to go to Grandma's house (which, sorry Disney, was the happiest place on earth). I learned I could love someone until my heart might burst and be completely enraged at the same time. He learned that the wrinkling of my forehead was not a good sign for anyone. We learned a lot about time, more specifically abo
Read more

And I didn't prepare a speech!

-
Image
My first, and probably only, blogger award! Yay! Thanks to That Girl in Brazil, not only uber cute but uber sweet. I'm supposed to pass on the love to other bloggers by linking them and then posting in their comments. But, seriously, how much more ad space do you guys need? Ok, ok, fine. I pick Mary cause she totally posted her flip flops. And justRandi cause she said she'd come to my house if I sent her an invite. And llegue because she made reference to a certain male body part while shopping in Wal-Mart, plus she beats me at games. and Heather because she makes me giggle and she comments even when my posts are lame. Just passin the <3 I feel super guilty for not linking everybody. But, you wouldn't be on my blog roll if I didn't think you were super cool.
Read more