Skip to main content
There's a certain something in the air.  It sneaks past the frozen solid mucus in my nose and creeps into my bones.  It settles in and refuses to leave.  It masquerades as grumpy moods and teary eyes. 

Oh, wintertime blues, hello again.

I want to laugh at myself most of the time.  I mean, how good does your life have to be?  How many blessings can you count just by looking around?  Other than a solid gold BMW, what else do you want in life than what you already have? 

It doesn't make any sense really.

But I'm just so sad.  And angry.  But not all the time.  Just, you know, every few minutes.  One of the kids looked at me funny or said something wrong.  There's nothing to watch on TV.  The dog is whining.  I have to clean up the house again.  The laundry is breeding.  It's always something.

Did I mention I'm also a nag?  Trust me, my family feels that way.  Lately I feel like I can't say anything that doesn't receive an eye-roll, sigh, or exasperation in return.

I'm not trying to annoy them.  In fact, I love them and I'm just trying to keep them safe and well and happy.

But I'm doing it all wrong.  Down to the shoe I had the nerve to remind someone to tie.  And the gloves I made another someone find.  The jacket I made someone wear.  And the dinner I didn't cook fast enough - or, weirdly, cooked at all. 

I can't win, that's how it feels.  I'm running and running and running and running and running and the race just never ever ends. 

There's the finish line!  It's mocking me now.

And now and then the crowd cheers and I feel good.

But then I notice I'm still running.

It's very nonsensical, I know. 

I'm pretty sure I need a long, long vacation.

And a lot of chocolate.

Comments

Pam said…
Sounds like I am breathing the same air you are :) Maybe we can go on vacation together. Hey I can share this link to the power of moms it is a free gift I get to give to any and all of my friends. I hope you enjoy! http://powerofmoms.com/merry-christmas-from-the-power-of-moms/
Jamie Lyn said…
Oh dear Sarah! I feel the same exact way!!! Its a nonstop battle.. WIth every roll of the eye I am kindly reminded of what I was like at that age.. and this too shall pass... Somedays I feel like there is never enough time to do anything.. I feel like a failure if something doesnt get done or if it isnt just right.. I am with you on the vacation part!! WE are indeed in need of a VACAY!

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Carly,

I assume that one day you will come to me wanting to know who you are, where you came from, where your other family is and why they gave you to us.  I offer you little bits of information already, but certainly not crumbs enough to satisfy the appetite.  Perhaps it won't matter to you.  I am assuming a lot, already, about how adoption will impact your life.

People often wonder why adoptive parents are hurt when their children seek out biological roots.  I have the answer, and it's very simple.  Adoption - at its core - makes us question the legality, authority, voracity, and validity of parenthood.  For most adoptive parents, first you must come to terms with an issue that strikes at the foundations of mortality: fertility.  From birth, most of us are driven to form families.  First we are nestlings, nurtured and weened and eventually taught to fly.  Then we are nest-builders, filling our lives with the stuff necessary to drive life forward.  Knowledge, safety, money, a sturdy …

On being away from home and turning sixteen: a letter to my son

Dear Josh,

I missed your sixteenth birthday.  I'm sure you recall - or maybe it wasn't so bad because you spent the whole day with your friend watching movies.  Godzilla and Guardians of the Galaxy, you've said.  It's no surprise to me that Godzilla was your favorite of the two.  That atomic green monster holds a special place in your heart.

It was very difficult for me to be away from you when you crossed this threshold in your life.  I remember turning sixteen, being sixteen, and wondering when I would feel like I was actually sixteen.  When I was sixteen, I went and found my first job, I started driving myself around, and I pretty much felt like I was in the wrong skin.  I'm only now, at 37, beginning to feel in the right skin.  Or at least comfortable with the skin I'm in.  But you - well, you don't seem to have a problem being you.  I can't explain how very happy that makes me feel, how very reassured.  Because it can be really hard not to like you…

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

You know when you see someone again and it's been, like, forever, and you're not really even sure that you're getting their name right and you wonder WHAT on EARTH they've done to their hair/face/body/children and you can't quite find the right words to fill the gap between time and space?
My second year of teaching is just beginning - and isn't that a wonder?  Last year...let's just say, we all survived.  Last year involved:
- Commuting home (2 hours, one way) almost every weekend - The kids and I here (in Espanola, where I teach) while Eric stayed in Edgewood - Putting our (still for sale) house on the market - Two semesters of Master's classes (what was I thinking??? on the up side, I only have 1 semester left and I am DONE.  D. O. N. E.) - Saturday's spent in professional development - My first ever "work trip" to San Diego 
And this year:
- Josh is a Senior (whuuuut!) - Carly started 5th grade - We all live here in Espanola (double WH…