Realizing

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Once, when Josh was still very small, my mother-in-law turned to me and said:

"You know, it's like he's always been here."

And right there, in those eight words, she perfectly captured my faith in God.

There are days, like today, when I look at my child and I can almost see eternity stretching backward like a long unfurling satin wing.  We've been on this path together for a while now, though we've forgotten the greater part.  But it was only just tonight, while I had my hands in a bubbly sink full of dishes, that I came to understand the significance of that.




I often think to myself: I am failing my child.

or

I am a terrible mother.

or

I can't believe I just did that, again!

or

What is wrong with me? These kids are making me crazy and they're not even doing anything wrong!

or

I should not be his/her mother. 

or

It's no wonder we don't have any more kids.  I don't deserve them.

or

Well, you get the idea.  I am always surprised when I hear other women express similar thoughts or feelings, especially the women who continually amaze me with their creativity, energy, and down-right awesomeness.  But, that is perhaps a whole other conversation.

Tonight, hands in the sink, right after I thought I am a failure as his mother, it came to me that no, I had it all wrong.  In fact, I wasn't failing as his mother - I was chosen to be his mother because I have some special skill or talent that he needs to get through mortality in one whole, healthy, happy piece.

I have no idea what tha skill is, mind you.  But, I feel like there is more truth in this idea than I've been able to recognize before.  And it's not that I'm somehow spiritually connected and so in the zone that suddenly God shined a light over my sink and the heavens opened and sang. 

No, it was quieter, softer, gentler. 

And that's why I trust it.

Comments

Misty said…
Why do you always make me cry!?!? :)
7:39 AM
ovalle said…
A parent only fails when they give up on their child. It does not matter the outcome, that is for the child to decide (free will and all). We can look to God as our example - far too many of His children will excercise their free will and in the end fail to live up to their birthright. That does not make Him a failure because he provides us what we need; we choose not to follow. He never gives up and nor should we.
4:11 PM
Tami said…
You've captured it perfectly. It's exactly what I needed. Thank you for sharing it. {big hugs}
9:44 AM
Karisa said…
Okay, I know this is a dumb place to tell you... but Claudia is having a girls night/shower for me at her house Friday at 7pm. Everyone's invited. I'm not on facebook anymore, so hopefully you've been invited already. I have no idea who she's talked or who will show up, but it's happening! No gifts unless you want to bring diapers and be entered into a drawing. That's all I know! Hope to see you there!
5:05 PM
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