I wish I was that girl

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I am sitting in my kitchen browsing other blogs. This is by turns dangerous* and fascinating. I find that I can't help comparing myself to those girls out there that have all the qualities I don't have. And I started making a little list inside my brain that goes something like this:
I wish I was that girl that is in bed on time and up early, making breakfast for her kids.
I wish I was that girl that still looks like she never had kids.
I wish I was that girl that never gains an ounce.
I wish I was that girl that LIKES to run, ride her bike, swim, climb things, or jump in the pool.
I wish I was that girl that has a million friends commenting on her blog.
I wish I was that girl that finds time to make cards, write letters, and still keep the house clean.
I wish I was that girl that works out of the home and enjoys it.
I wish I was that girl that goes to concerts, knows about art, and can recite words from a play off the top of her head.
I wish I was that girl that makes Dr. and dentist appointments, signed her kids up for sports on time, and can help with homework without pulling her hair out.
I wish I was anyone but me.
But I am me.
My house is not clean, although I did gut the kitchen the other day. The floor stayed respectable for all of .5 seconds. The laundry is partly in a heap of dirty clothes in front of the washer and partly in a heap of clean clothes on my bedroom floor. The bathroom sink needs scrubbed out, Carly's bed is devoid of sheets (she is sleeping on Josh's quilt), there are toys all over the living room and my bed never got made today. I took a nap after Eric got home and then I played WoW into the wee morning hours.
And sitting here, describing the tip of a very large iceberg, I am that girl with faults and weaknesses, selfish distractions and a complete lack of will power.
And I know this sounds like I'm sad or something, but I'm really not sad. I'm disappointed that all my potential is just that: a word. I am wondering if I will reach my goal of being healthy by 30 (I extended my deadline to the END of my 30th year, how pitiful is that). I am also thinking to myself that it can't be all bad to NOT be "that girl" because 93.2% of the time I am happy. Very happy just to be Josh's mom, Eric's wife, Carly's momma, the GM of a guild in an online game that is really a family in many ways, a sister, a friend to the best of my ability, a primary teacher, a daughter. Those are all things I can do, even if I don't do them with perfectly coifed hair and a size 8 pair of pants. Even not being "that girl" I feel pretty satisfied. I'd like more for myself...I guess that's worth something.
I was reading Calvin and Hobbes the other day, possibly the best newspaper cartoon ever created, and Hobbes said to Calvin: "The real problem with people is that they are only human."

*Dangerous because hitting "next blog" at the top of your screen takes you to some blogs that need a visit from a good bar of soap.

Comments

Lacey said…
Sarah, you are wonderful! We are our own worst critics (don't I know it). We all love and appreciate you even if we only communicate through blogs. Reading your blog helps me feel more normal, sane, and connected. Thanks Sarah!
10:55 AM
Misty said…
Ummmmm, I think you just described my house to a tee. You are a child of God, no matter what. Even if your arms stick to the table when you sit down to eat.
Take care.
Misty
8:51 PM
Jamie Lyn said…
Oh Sarah, I feel that way alotof the time to. Butya know what we have more than anything for all the cleaning and cooking and scraping and making cards. But the most important things that we should focus on is our families. ANd as for being in the little size after kids i KNOW that is just not a reality for me anymore with having a really messed up thyroid. Remember that we love you and we think u are great. I love that josh was running around saying dang it that is fynny. Didnt he have to go to school.
love ya lots
jamie
10:04 PM
Anonymous said…
It's not your fault that your hoards of admirers and friends don't have (or make) time to comment on you blog, and size 8 is highly overrated (not that I know)! Just remember how good you feel when you don't kill a bear on WoW just because it is there :)
7:29 PM
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