An Urgent Message From the King
There have only been a few times in my life when I have been impressed that RIGHT NOW is the right time for something: when I got pregnant with Josh, when we began adoption paperwork, when we were looking to move from our last home, and now. Right now, I feel, is the time to move.
I wish it was as simple as that. Poof! Here is your new home! (Visualize Vanna White revealing our new perfect abode.) It's more like "Where is your money? Oh, you don't have any. Well...here is a house you will like but can't afford. Here is another house you can rent, but it's falling down. Here is an apartment that costs twice as much and has about the same amount of space...but there's access to a gym! And here is the house Eric WANTS." Really really wants. We haven't actually gone inside yet, that's this Saturday. He sent me the link for this house from work one day last week. Funny thing is, I almost showed him this house about 3 weeks ago but then chickened out because it's about 30-40 mins from where we live now. I liked this house right away, when I saw the pictures anyhow. We drove out while my most amazingist sister Charlotte was visiting. We drove around the property and I got out and trudged through the snow to peek in the windows. It has a huge above ground pool in the back yard. It has a nice deck where we could put our patio furniture. It has trees and land to spare. It is about 2 minutes from a little lake. The realtor tells us that it's bank owned and the bank is pushing her to make a sale which means make a deal. It is a fantastic dream.
Try as I might, I can't stop the dreaming. I have thought about where we would put our furniture. I have thought about what the yard might look like in the summer with the green grass and some cosmos flowers under the front window. I have thought about walking down to the lake with Carly to throw in rocks and exploring the wooded area that would be our back yard. I have dreamed about what it would be like to have a play room for the kids where they can just be kids while Eric's dad naps undisturbed in front of a roaring TV in another room.
I remember a time when Carly was just a dream, when I thought she'd never come true. I didn't know who she was but I could feel the opportunity of her slip through my fingers like water, drop by sparkling drop. I can remember a time when I thought Joshua would never arrive and I wondered if he ever DID pop out whether I would love him enough. Whether he would love me enough to make my heart unclench.
Lately I can feel every pound on my body, every extra love handle. I look around and see examples of what I want to be, how I want to look, how I want to act. I hear every yell I yell echo in my head a million times over, I feel every heavy sin, every willful act of disobedience. I want so very much to turn my back on the slothful Sarah, but it is all I have been and all I have known. I want to cut away the sounds and sights that hammer at my brain and work so hard to convince me I am not of worth. The bishop asked me if I have a testimony of Jesus Christ. I do have a testimony of Him, that He lives, that He alone is the way of salvation. The problem is, I can't convince myself that it is for me, how can it be for the lowliest and laziest of servants? I don't believe it, not yet. But I'm trying to understand how it possibly can be. I dream of knowing.
I wish it was as simple as that. Poof! Here is your new home! (Visualize Vanna White revealing our new perfect abode.) It's more like "Where is your money? Oh, you don't have any. Well...here is a house you will like but can't afford. Here is another house you can rent, but it's falling down. Here is an apartment that costs twice as much and has about the same amount of space...but there's access to a gym! And here is the house Eric WANTS." Really really wants. We haven't actually gone inside yet, that's this Saturday. He sent me the link for this house from work one day last week. Funny thing is, I almost showed him this house about 3 weeks ago but then chickened out because it's about 30-40 mins from where we live now. I liked this house right away, when I saw the pictures anyhow. We drove out while my most amazingist sister Charlotte was visiting. We drove around the property and I got out and trudged through the snow to peek in the windows. It has a huge above ground pool in the back yard. It has a nice deck where we could put our patio furniture. It has trees and land to spare. It is about 2 minutes from a little lake. The realtor tells us that it's bank owned and the bank is pushing her to make a sale which means make a deal. It is a fantastic dream.
Try as I might, I can't stop the dreaming. I have thought about where we would put our furniture. I have thought about what the yard might look like in the summer with the green grass and some cosmos flowers under the front window. I have thought about walking down to the lake with Carly to throw in rocks and exploring the wooded area that would be our back yard. I have dreamed about what it would be like to have a play room for the kids where they can just be kids while Eric's dad naps undisturbed in front of a roaring TV in another room.
I remember a time when Carly was just a dream, when I thought she'd never come true. I didn't know who she was but I could feel the opportunity of her slip through my fingers like water, drop by sparkling drop. I can remember a time when I thought Joshua would never arrive and I wondered if he ever DID pop out whether I would love him enough. Whether he would love me enough to make my heart unclench.
Lately I can feel every pound on my body, every extra love handle. I look around and see examples of what I want to be, how I want to look, how I want to act. I hear every yell I yell echo in my head a million times over, I feel every heavy sin, every willful act of disobedience. I want so very much to turn my back on the slothful Sarah, but it is all I have been and all I have known. I want to cut away the sounds and sights that hammer at my brain and work so hard to convince me I am not of worth. The bishop asked me if I have a testimony of Jesus Christ. I do have a testimony of Him, that He lives, that He alone is the way of salvation. The problem is, I can't convince myself that it is for me, how can it be for the lowliest and laziest of servants? I don't believe it, not yet. But I'm trying to understand how it possibly can be. I dream of knowing.
I suppose all these dreams are more like hope, like faith. Hope that the world will set itself right if you just let it spin. Faith that when the world spins and feels out of control there will be something there to grab on to.
Comments