Shortcomings

We all have our list, the things that are 'wrong' that we wish were more right. Mine seems to grow longer instead of shorter and seems to flash in big bold letters when I'm tired, stressed or lonely. A couple of recent events have led me to dwell on my sad little list a bit more than normal the last day or so.

~ Josh is really struggling in school again. SIGH. DOUBLE SIGH. I thought we were getting on track but then at the start of the week he brought home not one but TWO "E" grades! O.o Then! today he brought home a math test - usually a strongish suit of his - with only 7/20 correct answers! His teacher encouraged us to contact a tutor. Her suggestion only irritates me even more because when he was in 3rd grade and first started struggling so much as to need extra help at school, they discouraged us from seeking out a tutoring type service. I feel like we are always losing ground. And while I know that much of the responsibility is Joshua's, I can't help but feel I have failed him. I have failed him! He's supposed to be perfect! He is perfect to me, even though he argues and makes excuses and fibs. He'll spin a yarn to make a sweater proud if it gets him out of work or trouble. What do I do? Right now he is asleep on the couch next to me, his warm head pressed into my leg and I wish I could just wrap him up and deliver him to success and confidence. What do I do.

~ Carly is active. Not just a little, a lot. Actively screaming, jumping, crying, testing, annoying, adorable, talking. She never stops moving except to sleep and even then she's never still. This is great, it is fantastic considering where she started out in this world. But, there are many days when I'm just ready for her to sit quietly. And poor Eric, he tries his best to give me a sanity break when he gets home but he is already tired and cross from those hours of making cookie money and often just stomps off to bed, Carly in tow, out of pure frustration. I need a yard she can run in where I don't have to sit on top of her to make sure she's not in the street. She needs a dance class or gymnastics class or something. Right now, waiting to find out if we're moving or not, it's all on hold. I don't want to pay in advance for something we can't finish. Or start something to have the routine broken. Mostly, I like being at home and now I have a child that needs to get out, rather than only sweet content-to-stay-home Joshua who is just like me.

~ We passed the one year mark of Eric's mom's death. I can not figure out why the world didn't just stop in its tracks to remember the day. Everything just moved on, like normal, when I felt like bells should be ringing and people should be pausing to remember this glorious person who passed over the threshold of life. I didn't break down and cry, just felt strange and empty. And I keep thinking about those brownies she made for us on the last Sunday we spent with her. We decided to take them home to eat instead of coming inside after playing in the park. I would give almost anything to just spin back the clock and grab those extra 30 minutes I threw away. I wish with all my heart I had just gone back in for brownies.

~ My grandmother is in the hospital, my mom called and told me last night. Every time I get a phone call from my parents on an 'off'' day I expect this kind of news, the news that starts with "well, Grandma's in the hospital and..." My grandmother has had a wonderful and full life. If I had to pick one person to be like, it would be her. She is kind, intelligent, soft spoken, organized, thirsty for life and knowledge, active, ever the hostess, and much much more. Many of these qualities were robbed or stripped down by Alzheimer's disease, but she still shines like a lodestar for me and for my siblings. To have our grandparents look on us with pride is possibly the greatest height of achievement - I know it is for me. It is possible that now, just as the world is putting on its spring finery, she might be leaving us. I don't live near my grandparents and I rarely see them these days due to distance and time constraints, but I can't imagine my life and world without my grandmother and grandfather. They have just always been there. Briefly when I was a teenager my grandmother and I shared letters back and forth. This only stopped because of my lack of persistence, but I treasure so much the words we shared. When I was younger, my family would say I was a clone of my grandmother because of my dark curly hair and brown eyes. To truly be a clone of this amazing woman, in looks, deeds and character would be a crowning achievement.