Skip to main content

Resolving

I, along with much of the world, have been thinking about my goals for the coming year.  I made a list and it was pretty broad, but also pretty do-able.  On purpose.  The one thing that bothers me when these resolutions roll around is just how full of failure they are, often by implication or by comparison to the list from last year.  We (general society we) often laugh because we only made it a few hours, days, weeks, months into our resolutions.  And then we fall back into old habits.  We (that general we again) forget just how hard it is to change ourselves.  Have you ever tried to reshape a rock?  That's us, right there, rocks.  Round and hard and set in stone.  But, changeable over time.

This year I made my list AFTER I thought about my successes from last year.  I did not bother recounting my failures, though there were assuredly many.  Instead, I looked back (as objectively as I could) and decided it really wasn't so bad after all.  I graduated from college (a long time, hard fought goal); I yelled a little less and gained a new appreciation for what soft words can do; I am 15 pounds lighter than I was in January 2013 (a small success, but I choose to see it as one rather than bothering to calculate how much I didn't lose); I've written more and submitted more for publication; I've visited some places I've never seen.  All in all, not a bad year.  Sure there are things that did not get accomplished, but I barely remember them.  As my dad likes to say, "Are you better off than you were five years ago?"  Yes, in most ways I am.  In enough ways.

Enough.  That's a funny word.  One I've written about before.  That's probably what my resolutions for this year center on - being enough.  I've resolved (again) to yell less and speak more softly.  I've resolved (again) to shrink my debt and my waist.  I've resolved (again) to do well in school and try my best.  I've resolved (again) to take more risks/chances/opportunities.  That's a hard one for me.  But, I've also resolved to look for ways to fall in love with my husband over again.  To give myself a break when I can't get everything done.  To say nicer things about the mother of my children.  To give others the benefit of the doubt more often than not.  To accept compliments more gracefully.  These are all resolutions I can keep if I want to.  I might not do them perfectly or even every day, but at the end of the year I hope I can look back and see success again.  I hope I can see that I've done enough to move forward, even a little bit.

Happy reNew Year!

image here

Comments

Karisa said…
I always feel like your my cheerleader, or that you give me the benefit of the doubt. I'm trying to yell less too. I have issues.

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Carly,

I assume that one day you will come to me wanting to know who you are, where you came from, where your other family is and why they gave you to us.  I offer you little bits of information already, but certainly not crumbs enough to satisfy the appetite.  Perhaps it won't matter to you.  I am assuming a lot, already, about how adoption will impact your life.

People often wonder why adoptive parents are hurt when their children seek out biological roots.  I have the answer, and it's very simple.  Adoption - at its core - makes us question the legality, authority, voracity, and validity of parenthood.  For most adoptive parents, first you must come to terms with an issue that strikes at the foundations of mortality: fertility.  From birth, most of us are driven to form families.  First we are nestlings, nurtured and weened and eventually taught to fly.  Then we are nest-builders, filling our lives with the stuff necessary to drive life forward.  Knowledge, safety, money, a sturdy …

On being away from home and turning sixteen: a letter to my son

Dear Josh,

I missed your sixteenth birthday.  I'm sure you recall - or maybe it wasn't so bad because you spent the whole day with your friend watching movies.  Godzilla and Guardians of the Galaxy, you've said.  It's no surprise to me that Godzilla was your favorite of the two.  That atomic green monster holds a special place in your heart.

It was very difficult for me to be away from you when you crossed this threshold in your life.  I remember turning sixteen, being sixteen, and wondering when I would feel like I was actually sixteen.  When I was sixteen, I went and found my first job, I started driving myself around, and I pretty much felt like I was in the wrong skin.  I'm only now, at 37, beginning to feel in the right skin.  Or at least comfortable with the skin I'm in.  But you - well, you don't seem to have a problem being you.  I can't explain how very happy that makes me feel, how very reassured.  Because it can be really hard not to like you…

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

You know when you see someone again and it's been, like, forever, and you're not really even sure that you're getting their name right and you wonder WHAT on EARTH they've done to their hair/face/body/children and you can't quite find the right words to fill the gap between time and space?
My second year of teaching is just beginning - and isn't that a wonder?  Last year...let's just say, we all survived.  Last year involved:
- Commuting home (2 hours, one way) almost every weekend - The kids and I here (in Espanola, where I teach) while Eric stayed in Edgewood - Putting our (still for sale) house on the market - Two semesters of Master's classes (what was I thinking??? on the up side, I only have 1 semester left and I am DONE.  D. O. N. E.) - Saturday's spent in professional development - My first ever "work trip" to San Diego 
And this year:
- Josh is a Senior (whuuuut!) - Carly started 5th grade - We all live here in Espanola (double WH…